I Am Farter Father
A young content creator once asked me about my thoughts on having kids.
I paused for a long time. My short answer: don’t have.
I have 4.
Singapore’s TFR is now 0.87. I am, statistically, a freak. Not enough of us to move the needle, clearly.
The reason I have 4 is genuinely stupid. I have an older sister I’m not on talking terms with. When we only had 2 kids, I was scared they’d turn out like that. So the solution, obviously, was to have more. We stopped at 4.
Very sound logic.
And it was great when they were young, oblivious, and fun. But they grow up. They go to school. Some struggle academically. And I’m already getting ahead of myself because I’m one of the lucky ones since my kids came out healthy. I have friends whose kids didn’t, and that threw a spanner into their lives that never fully comes out.
Then there’s the kiasuism. I have a friend, hipster at heart, the kind of guy who goes diving in South Africa and cooks his own food on weekends. I always thought he’d be chill about his kid’s academics. His P6 boy now has tuition for every subject, and he’s already mapped out every possible DSA pathway just in case.
He went through a lousy school and turned out fine. I went to a not-bad school and wrecked it academically. I turned out fine. And yet when my eldest was in P6, I did the exact same tuition-for-everything thing.
Plot twist: it did nothing. He ended up in a neighbourhood school, which made him better.
Teo You Yenn said on The Financial Coconut that autonomy is a myth. You think you’re making free choices until you don’t get paid for 3 months. Then see what your choices look like.
So we overcompensate. We keep inching forward, chasing goalposts we can’t see clearly, or that might not exist. On this small, claustrophobic island where you can’t not compare, social media makes it worse. Every new Swatch, every travel vlog, every minimalist HDB reno that is 100% not kid-friendly. It’s easy to look at what children cost and feel the pull backwards.
And they do cost. StanChart estimates raising a child from 0 to 18 runs between S$280,000 and S$560,000 for a middle-income household. That’s your CPF Retirement Account minimum sum, evaporated. And if you still harbour thoughts that your kids will take care of you in old age out of filial piety, here is a slap to wake you up.
So I’m not optimistic about whatever the new government family workgroup will be producing. These things tend to land somewhere around “4.5 months maternity leave instead of 4.” Tactical tweaks. It’s like putting up corner mirrors and widening the footpath to stop PMD accidents when the real answer is just to ban them.
Having 4 kids and having chased the 5Cs that my government used to actively sell me until they quietly stopped, my finances are a mess. Being self-employed makes it worse, especially now with my client base heavy in tech. On the hard days, I think about how much simpler my life would be without them. Logically, financially, pragmatically. I can do that math easily.
My youngest saved my number as Best Daddy Ever. She’s since updated it to Farter Father, which is honestly more accurate.
I ferry them to their outings and watch them having fun. When my eldest made it through secondary school and came out with real options, I felt something I didn’t have a word for. My favourite thing right now is watching all 4 of them in a room together, just playing.
Warm. Full.
I didn’t put those words in the first half of this piece. They don’t show up in a spreadsheet. I don’t know how you buy them any other way.
That content creator is probably still waiting for a proper answer.
The honest one is: don’t have.
The other honest one is: I’d do it again. All 4.
I’ve been sitting with both of those for a while now. Still can’t pick one.